Whenever I speak of my failings, I usually mention anger, sex and jealousy because jealousy is not a primary thing. It is the secondary part of sex. Whenever I have a sexual urge in my mind, a sexual happening in me is on move. Whenever I feel sexually attracted and related to somebody, jealousy enters because I am not in love. If I am in love jealousy never enters.
I am afraid because sex is not a relationship, its is exploitation. If I am attached to a female sexually, I am always afraid that she may go to someone else. This is no relationship really according to me , its just exploitation and I know so I am afraid.
This fear becomes jealousy, so I may not allow things, I will guard, I will make security arrangements so she cannot even look at another male. Even looking will be dangerous signal. This male should not talk to her because talking... I again feel she may leave. So I will close all the ways of her going to another, even the doors. But then the problem arises. When all doors are closed then the person becomes dead, she becomes like an object. I cannot love one who is not free because loving is beautiful only when love is giver freely, when it is not taken, demanded and forced but comes naturally and automatically.
The more I control, the more I am killing, because freedom is lost and the other person may be taken or used for another reasons but not for other reasons but not for love because how can I love one who possesses me? She looks like an enemy.
Sex creates jealousy. So its is not a question of how to drop jealousy, you cannot drop it because no one can fight against nature. The question is how to transform sex into love, then jealousy disappears.
When I loved her, the love was enough guarantee, the very love was security- enough security. I knew she cannot go to anyone else besides she was having extravaganza beauty, and if she would have gone, nothing I could have done .... what could I do? I would rather killed her, but a dead Rose would not be of much use.
In India, because love is not allowed much, not allowed at all - marriage is arranged - tremendous jealousy exists.
A husband is always afraid. He has never loved, so he knows - and wife is always afraid, so she knows - that this has been arranged. The parents arranged, astrologers arranged, society arranged, the wife and husband were never asked. In many cases they never knew each other, they had never seen each other. So fear exists. The wife is afraid, the husband is afraid and both are spaying each other. The very possibility is lost.
How can love grow in fear? They can live together, but that living together is also not living together, they only tolerate each other, they somehow carry on. It is just utilitarian and out of utility you may manage but ecstasy is not possible.So husband and wife both are dead before death. It is two dead persons taking revenge on each other. Taking anger, revenge and jealousy - the whole thing becomes ugly.
In West, a different type of phenomenon is happening which is same on the other extreme. They dropped arranged marriage, but by dropping sex has become free, and when sex is free we are always afraid, because its is always a temperory arrangement. If I am with a girl tonight, tomorrow she will be with somebody else and yesterday she was with someone else, only tonight she is with me.
How can this be very intimate and deep? It can only be a meeting of surfaces. We cannot penetrate each other because penetration needs time, seasoning, depth , intimacy , being together.
I meet a girl on the train and make love and at midnight I drop her at Times Square - She never bothers that she may ever know me again, she may not even had asked my name. If sex becomes such a trival thing - just a bodily relationship or affair where surfaces meet and separate, then there is something again we are missing which is very great, mysterious.
India missed love because parents were too calculating and cunning.They don't allow falling in love : that is dangerous, nobody knows where it will lead. They were too clever and through clearness India missed all possibility of love. Through sex, the west is missing and through marriage the East is missing.
"And my love was neither Western nor Eastern."
For Me:-
Energy itself is neutral. When it is expressed biologically, it is sex. When it is expressed emotionally, it becomes love, it may become hate, it may become anger.When expressed intellectually it may become scientific, it may become literary. When it moves through the body, it becomes physical. When it moves through mind, it becomes mental. The differences are not differences of energy as such, but of applied manifestations of it.
Anything I did negatively with sex, it did not transformed energy. When I was fighting with sex(nature) I was fighting with myself. I couldn't win the fight. One moment I felt, I'd won and next moment I felt sex has won. It went continously. At last I realized, no one can win a fight against his own energy. If energies are needed somewhere else, somewhere more blissful, sex will disappear. Rather, a new way toward greater bliss has opened and spontaneously, the energy begins to flow towards the door of love.
I took sex for what its is. It is just a biological fact or foundation for life. I did not gave any spiritual or anti spiritual meaning. Simply I understood the fact of it. When I took it as a biological fact, then I was not concerned with it at all. I did not gave any meaning to it and did not created any philosophy around it.I understood Sex! Moved into it consciously! This is the secret to open up a new door of love.
I did not fight with sex, I was not against it because I cannot fight with nature as I am part and parcel of it. I showed a friendly, sympathetic attitude towards sex. It was the deepest dialogue between me and nature.In fact, sexual act is not really a dialogue between a man and a woman. It is the dialogue of man with nature and of woman with nature but with his/her mate.
For me again if two persons are in love and if there is no sex between them, there will be much romantic love. But the moment sex comes in, love goes out. Sex is so abrupt. In itself it is violent. It needs an introduction, it needs foreplay. Love, as we know, it is just clothing for the naked fact of sex. When I looked deeply into love, I found sex standing there, preparing to jump. It was always around the corner. Love is talking, sex is preparing.
we found the extreme place for each other in our hearts from which my real love came out from preface. It was a fragrance. Her words were enough to justify her real love towards me and we felt compassion for one another. This feeling was not foreplay of sex but a growth, a Realization.
This love, transcended sex which was on move. Love developed and we went beyond sex. Just like a flower it comes through roots, and never goes back. Like this, there was no reversal. In fact this is one of the ways of knowing that love has entered. Sex was like the shell of an egg, a shell through love has to emerge. The moment it emerges, the shell will no longer be there. It will be broken and discarded.
I went through sex! I did not afraid of it, because fear leaded to nowhere. I didn't feared sex, did not fight it because that was too a sort of fear. "Flight or Fight" - these are two paths of fear. so I did not escaped from sex. I accepted it. took it for granted, committed it, went deeply in it, understood it and finally transcended it. Finally a new door was opened. I came upon a new dimension, a very unknown, unheard of one, and greater bliss flowed through it. I dug into sex and found love. With open eyes, sex took me on the path of oneness.
When the gate to love was opened, all energies that was within me began to flow towards the door. Sex was absorbed. Whenever a higher bliss is possible, the lower becomes irrelevant. Hence, sex was sublimated.
Jesus said: "Under every stone is Lord:. Like that "Beyond sex there exist love." : We just have to make stone or sex transparent. Forget the first to possess the second.
Thus she led to me being aware of my inner being; her love resounded in me and brought my depth into being. We both helped to each other. The deeper our love went, the deepest we felt and finally there was no Jealousy.
The love was always trusting and if something had happened that could broke our trust then I would have accepted it; nothing could be done against it because whatsoever, we would have destroyed one other. But it never happened and that's what the true love is. She made me discovering love within me and her ans so did I, because loving heart sooner or later comes to a loving heart - it happens- it always happen and I found the right person with an unspeakable charm and beauty. But her God took her away from me, because I guess He was Jealous and left at a great precipice. But I still love love her and so she, even beyond her life.
Love is a dangerous path and only those who have courage can travel it.
